Navigating the Complexities of Adoption: A Mother’s Journey of Love and Resilience

Adoption is a journey filled with love, challenges, and profound emotional growth—for both parents and children. For me, it was always a part of my life plan, though I never fully anticipated the emotional complexities that would come with it. My experience as an adoptive mother to my transracial son, Isaac, has been one of learning, resilience, and unwavering love.

Path to Parenthood

When infertility and multiple miscarriages led my doctor to suggest adoption, I didn’t hesitate. Parenting was always something Bruce (my husband) and I had envisioned. Over time, however, I realized that adoption wasn’t a simple “cure” for infertility—it was its own journey. I needed to grieve the loss of biological parenthood before I could fully embrace the new path ahead.

Isaac came to us at the age of two, and we had only a day of training from the adoption agency. Our commitment to love him unconditionally never wavered, but we were young and unprepared for the trauma adoption can bring into a child’s life. We quickly learned that love alone wasn’t enough—it would take intentional effort, education, and a willingness to understand Isaac’s unique struggles.

Recognizing Trauma and Identity

As a toddler, Isaac seemed happy, well-adjusted, and outgoing. At the time, I took these as signs that he was transitioning easily. I had no idea these could also be indicators of an attachment issues.

The first major sign of his deeper pain appeared around the age of seven when he found his adoption papers and tore them to pieces. This wasn’t just a tantrum or a moment of rebellion—it was a reflection of grief, confusion, and loss. Adoption begins with separation, a loss that children may process in waves throughout their lives.

I came to understand that adoptees experience cyclical grief, sometimes triggered by life transitions—like puberty, major milestones, or even moments of joy. Many people assume adopted children should simply be grateful, without recognizing the pain that comes from losing a biological connection.

Facing Rejection and Holding On

One of my most difficult challenges was Isaac’s rejection as he wrestled with his identity. It’s common for adoptive mothers to face the brunt of their child’s anger; often, we unintentionally represent the birth mother who “gave them away.” For years, Isaac tested the limits of my love, pushing me away in every way imaginable.

But I never wavered.
During one intense argument, I remember telling him, “When will you understand that you will never win? You can’t push me away. My love for you is far stronger than any trouble you find yourself in.” Of course, that didn’t magically fix everything, but these unwavering affirmations gradually built trust. Over time, Isaac began to realize that no matter how unlovable he felt, I refused to leave his side.

Choosing Love Over Punishment

Bruce and I discovered early on that traditional parenting methods didn’t work well for a child with deep trauma. Punishment only reinforced Isaac’s belief that he was unworthy of love. Instead, we decided to focus on consequences rather than punishment:

• If something was broken in anger, Isaac had to work to replace it.
• If he acted recklessly, privileges were postponed until he showed responsibility.
• We encouraged open, judgment-free conversations about race, identity, and his struggles.

These approaches weren’t always easy, but they helped him see that while his actions had consequences, his inherent worth and belonging in our family were never in question.

The Enduring Power of Unconditional Love

Looking back, I can see so many moments of pain, misunderstanding, and struggle—but also moments of beauty and growth. Today, Isaac and I share a strong, loving bond forged through years of trust and resilience.

If I could offer advice to other adoptive parents, it would be:

• Adoption is not a remedy for infertility—it’s a separate journey that requires emotional readiness.

• Your child will test your love—stay close, even when they push away.

• Educate yourself about trauma, racial identity, and the many layers of adoption.

• Choose connection over correction—focusing on the relationship ultimately matters more than being “right.”

• What is an expectant mother?

  An expectant mother is a pregnant individual who is considering adoption or exploring all possible parenting options before birth.

• What is a birth mother?

  A birth mother is the woman who carries and gives birth to a child, often placing that child for adoption to provide them with the best possible future.

• What is an adoptive mother?

  An adoptive mother is the woman who legally and emotionally becomes the child’s parent through adoption, offering care, support, and love.

• What is a prospective adoptive family?

  This term refers to individuals or couples who are actively seeking to adopt a child and have begun the necessary legal and emotional preparations.

• How do these roles differ?

  Expectant mothers are considering adoption before birth; birth mothers have made the decision to place their child; and adoptive mothers become the child’s permanent parent, legally and lovingly, after adoption is finalized.

Adoption isn’t about rescuing a child; it’s about becoming their family. And for adoptees like Isaac, knowing that their parents stand by them—no matter what—can make all the difference.