Understanding Loss in Adoption

The Duality of Adoption

Adoption is often celebrated as a story of love, hope, and family-building. But behind every adoption is also a story of loss—loss of biological connections, cultural roots, and anticipated life paths. This duality is what makes adoption both beautiful and complex.

In adoption, every member of the triad—the adoptee, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents—experiences loss in unique ways. Recognizing these losses and addressing them with empathy is essential for creating a healthy and supportive adoption experience.

Loss for Adoptees: Navigating Identity and Belonging

For adoptees, loss begins with separation from their birth families. Even when adopted into loving homes, many adoptees grapple with feelings of abandonment and identity confusion. According to Isaac Etter, adoptees may internalize questions like, “Why was I placed for adoption?” and “Do I truly belong?” These questions often resurface at different life stages, highlighting the ongoing nature of adoption-related grief​.

Adoptees in transracial families may also face additional layers of loss, particularly around cultural identity. Being raised in a family that doesn’t share their racial background can create a sense of disconnection from their heritage. Etter emphasizes the importance of open conversations about race, adoption, and identity from an early age to help adoptees process these emotions.

"Adoptees need spaces where they can express grief without guilt and be loved through that grief." – Isaac Etter, A Practical Guide: Transracial Adoption

How to Support Adoptees Through Loss:

• Create Open Dialogues: Talk about adoption openly and frequently, allowing your child to ask questions and express feelings.

• Celebrate Their Identity: Incorporate cultural elements from your child’s heritage into daily life.

• Provide Representation: Ensure your child sees people who look like them in books, media, and community spaces.

Loss for Birth Parents: Grieving a Profound Separation

For birth parents, placing a child for adoption can be one of the most heart-wrenching decisions they ever make. This loss is lifelong and can manifest as grief for the missed milestones and everyday moments with their child. The pain of not being present for birthdays, first words, or graduations can linger for years.

While open adoptions can provide some connection, the grief remains. Birth parents often need ongoing support to process their emotions and navigate their role in the child’s life. Recognizing their grief and honoring their sacrifice is essential in building a compassionate adoption community.

How to Support Birth Parents Through Loss:

• Acknowledge Their Pain: Validate their feelings of loss and provide emotional support.

• Maintain Connections (if possible): Open adoptions can help birth parents stay connected, though boundaries should be respected.

• Encourage Counseling: Professional support can help birth parents cope with complex emotions over time.

Loss for Adoptive Parents: Letting Go of Expectations

Adoptive parents, particularly those who have experienced infertility, often carry their own grief into the adoption process. Dr. Anna Koehle’s A Practical Guide: Adoption After Infertility explores how adoptive parents may mourn the loss of a biological child, pregnancy experiences, and genetic continuity​. Even as they embrace the joy of adoption, these losses can coexist, creating a complex emotional landscape.

Adoptive parents may feel guilty for grieving while also feeling immense gratitude for their adopted child. Dr. Koehle reassures parents that this duality is natural and that acknowledging grief is a crucial step toward healing.

"The grief of infertility doesn’t disappear after adoption; it simply coexists with the joy of becoming a parent through adoption." – Dr. Anna Koehle, A Practical Guide: Adoption After Infertility

How to Support Adoptive Parents Through Loss:

• Allow Space for Grief: Recognize that adoption doesn’t erase the pain of infertility or unmet expectations.

• Seek Support Networks: Joining adoption and infertility support groups can provide validation and community.

• Embrace Both/And Thinking: It’s okay to feel both gratitude for your child and sorrow for what was lost.

The Intersection of Loss and Love in Adoption

One of the most challenging aspects of adoption is holding space for both loss and love. Adoption is not a solution to infertility, nor is it a simple act of placing a child in a home. It is a lifelong journey that requires emotional reflection, readiness, and resilience.

Both Isaac Etter and Dr. Anna Koehle emphasize that adoption-related loss doesn’t have to be a silent struggle. By creating open conversations, providing emotional support, and acknowledging the complexities, families can navigate the adoption journey with compassion and honesty.

Practical Steps for Navigating Loss in Adoption

• Normalize Conversations About Grief: Adoption-related grief is valid and deserves to be acknowledged at every stage of life.

• Utilize Resources and Support Systems: Seek therapy, join support groups, and access resources like Identity’s Practical Guides to aid your journey.

• Build Culturally Inclusive Environments: Especially in transracial adoptions, ensure that adoptees are connected to their cultural roots.

• Embrace Emotional Complexity: Allow room for both joy and sorrow without guilt.

• Why do many adoptees experience feelings of loss and rejection, even when they’ve been placed in loving homes?

  For adoptees, the initial separation from their birth families can trigger deep emotional responses that persist over time. Even in a caring adoptive home, an adoptee may wonder why they were “given up” or if something about them led to that decision. This can manifest as an ongoing sense of loss—loss of biological ties, cultural roots, or a sense of familial continuity—and may be interpreted personally as rejection. According to the blog, open, age-appropriate conversations about adoption and consistent reassurance can help adoptees process these difficult emotions and feel more secure.

• How do guilt and shame commonly show up for both birth parents and adoptive parents in the adoption process?

  Birth parents often grapple with guilt over placing their child for adoption, questioning whether they made the right choice. They may also feel shame due to societal judgments or personal regret. Adoptive parents, especially those who’ve struggled with infertility, might feel guilt for grieving their biological losses while simultaneously celebrating their adopted child. The blog post highlights that these conflicting emotions can coexist. Professional counseling, open dialogue, and supportive communities can validate these feelings and provide pathways toward healing.

• What does grief look like for adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents, and how can each party cope with it?

  Grief in adoption is multidimensional:

  • Adoptees: May grieve the loss of their birth family and a sense of genetic continuity. This can re-emerge at milestones (e.g., birthdays, graduations).

  • Birth Parents: Often mourn the daily presence they miss out on—first words, birthdays, everyday bonding.

  • Adoptive Parents: May still grieve infertility or the loss of the child they imagined having biologically.

  Coping involves open communication, acknowledging these layered losses, and seeking supportive resources—such as counseling, support groups, and educational guides like A Practical Guide: Transracial Adoption and A Practical Guide: Adoption After Infertility.

• How can transracial or cross-cultural adoptees navigate identity challenges and feelings of disconnection from their heritage?

  Transracial adoptees may experience an amplified sense of loss and confusion around identity because they often grow up in families and communities that do not share their racial or cultural background. To support identity formation:

  1. Open Conversations: Discuss race, culture, and adoption from an early age.

  2. Cultural Inclusion: Incorporate elements of the child’s heritage into everyday life—through food, language, traditions, or cultural events.

  3. Representation: Ensure children see themselves reflected in media, books, and community role models who share their background.

  These practices foster a sense of belonging and validate the adoptee’s cultural identity.

• How can members of the adoption triad cultivate emotional intimacy, given the complexities of adoption-related loss and grief?

  Emotional intimacy in adoption relies on mutual understanding, empathy, and respect for each person’s unique experiences. Here are key strategies:

  • For Adoptees: Provide safe spaces to express emotions without fear of judgment. Consistent, caring dialogue helps them trust that their feelings will be heard and understood.

  • For Birth Parents: Where possible and appropriate, maintain open lines of communication that respect boundaries. Simple updates or shared moments can foster a sense of closeness and involvement.

  • For Adoptive Parents: Acknowledge all forms of grief and joy, both yours and your child’s. Show vulnerability about your own feelings to demonstrate that all emotions are welcome.

  These approaches encourage closeness and understanding across the triad, ensuring that love and support are not overshadowed by the inherent losses in adoption.

A Journey of Healing

Adoption is a path paved with love, but it also carries the weight of loss. Understanding and addressing this loss allows adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents to heal and grow together. As Isaac Etter beautifully puts it, adoptees need spaces where their grief is acknowledged and their identities celebrated.

With resources like A Practical Guide: Transracial Adoption by Isaac Etter, and my guide, A Practical Guide: Adoption After Infertility families can navigate this journey with empathy, openness, and resilience.