Adoption Myths and Realities

Adoption is a transformative process that profoundly shapes the lives of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive families. However, the journey is often clouded by pervasive myths that influence societal perceptions and even the expectations of those considering adoption. Dispelling these misconceptions is critical to fostering a deeper understanding of adoption's complexities and joys, and creating a more supportive environment for everyone involved.

Myth 1: “You Can Just Adopt”

One of the most widespread myths is that adoption is a quick, straightforward solution for individuals or couples looking to build a family. This idea is often encapsulated in the phrase, “Why don’t you just adopt?”—a well-meaning but dismissive comment that oversimplifies a profoundly emotional and complex process.

Reality:
Adoption is far from simple. It involves navigating legal, emotional, and logistical hurdles, all of which can take months or even years to resolve. The process varies significantly depending on the type of adoption being pursued—domestic, international, or foster care—and involves home studies, background checks, and often extensive paperwork. These steps ensure that adoptive parents can provide a safe, stable, and nurturing environment for a child, but they also require patience and perseverance.

The waiting period alone can be emotionally taxing. Prospective parents may face uncertainty as they wait to be matched with a child or birth family. In cases of foster-to-adopt, placements may not lead to adoption, adding another layer of complexity and potential heartbreak.

For those transitioning to adoption after infertility, the notion of “just adopting” also dismisses the deep emotional work required to grieve the loss of biological parenthood. Adoption is not a “replacement” or a quick fix; it is an entirely different journey that requires its own preparation and mindset.

Myth 2: Adoption Resolves the Grief of Infertility

Another common misconception is that adoption will “cure” the pain of infertility. This belief assumes that the joy of welcoming a child through adoption will automatically erase the longing for a biological connection or the experience of pregnancy and childbirth.

Reality:
Adoption and infertility are separate experiences, each carrying its own emotional weight. While adoption brings immense joy and fulfillment, it cannot erase the grief associated with infertility. For many, the pain of infertility stems from not just the inability to conceive, but the loss of a deeply personal vision of family building.

Adoptive parents may continue to grieve the absence of a biological connection even as they embrace their new role. This grief doesn’t diminish their love for their adopted child—it simply reflects the complexity of human emotions. Without acknowledging and addressing these feelings, unresolved grief can resurface during the adoption process or post-adoption period, complicating the transition to parenthood.

Prospective adoptive parents benefit from processing their emotions fully before pursuing adoption. Therapy, support groups, or journaling can provide valuable tools for working through the pain of infertility. By taking the time to heal, parents can approach adoption with clarity and openness, ready to embrace the unique journey ahead.

Myth 3: Birth Parents Disappear After the Adoption

Many people believe that once the adoption process is finalized, birth parents fade into the background, leaving the adoptive family to raise the child without further involvement or connection.

Reality:
Birth parents are an integral part of the adoptee’s story, and their presence often remains significant, even after the adoption is finalized. Open adoptions, where adoptive families and birth parents maintain some level of contact, are becoming more common and can be highly beneficial for all parties involved. This communication might include letters, photos, or in-person visits, depending on the preferences and boundaries of everyone involved.

Even in closed adoptions, children often feel a natural curiosity about their birth families as they grow older. They may have questions about their heritage, cultural background, or the circumstances that led to their adoption. Acknowledging and honoring the role of birth parents helps adoptees develop a stronger sense of identity and belonging.

For adoptive parents, navigating these relationships requires sensitivity and a commitment to putting their child’s needs first. Maintaining an open dialogue about the child’s origins and respecting their desire for connection can foster trust and emotional security within the family.

Myth 4: Adoptive Parents Can Choose the Perfect Child

A persistent myth is that adoptive parents have full control over selecting a child who meets their preferences for age, gender, or other characteristics, creating a “perfect fit” for their family.

Reality:
Adoption is not about finding a child to match a family’s expectations but about providing the best possible home for a child. While adoptive parents can specify preferences based on what they feel equipped to handle—such as age or medical needs—the matching process prioritizes the child’s well-being and the birth parents’ wishes.

For example, in domestic infant adoptions, it is often the birth parents who choose the adoptive family. In foster care adoptions, the child’s safety and stability take precedence, with placement decisions made based on what will best support the child’s development. International adoptions involve additional layers of regulations and requirements dictated by the sending country.

The idea of “choosing” the perfect child oversimplifies the realities of adoption and risks dehumanizing the process. Children are not commodities to be selected based on a wish list; they are individuals with unique needs, histories, and identities. Adoptive parents must approach the journey with flexibility and a willingness to embrace the child who comes into their lives.

Myth 5: Adoption Ends Once the Papers Are Signed

A widespread assumption is that the adoption journey concludes once the legal process is finalized, and the family is officially formed.

Reality:
Adoption is not a one-time event but a lifelong journey. After the legal process is complete, families continue to navigate the complexities of adoption, including attachment, identity development, and maintaining connections with birth families. As children grow, their understanding of adoption evolves, and new questions or emotions may arise.

The Adoption Family Life Cycle Model highlights the importance of addressing both pre- and post-adoption dynamics. This includes helping children develop a coherent narrative of their history, fostering openness about their birth family, and supporting them through developmental stages where identity and belonging take center stage.

Post-adoption challenges can also include behavioral or emotional issues stemming from early trauma or disruptions in care. For adoptive parents, seeking ongoing support through counseling, workshops, or peer groups is essential for navigating these challenges effectively.

Adoption is a lifelong commitment that requires adaptability, compassion, and a willingness to keep learning. Families must be prepared to meet their child’s evolving needs while celebrating the unique story that brought them together.

• What is the “Adoption Family Life Cycle”?

  As described by Dr. Koehle, it’s a framework recognizing that adoption is a lifelong process, evolving as the child grows and the family encounters different developmental stages and challenges.

• What if extended family members are not supportive of adoption?

  While external support is helpful, it’s not always guaranteed. Building a trusted network—whether through friends, adoption support groups, or professional counseling—ensures you have resources and understanding individuals in your corner.

• Why is it important to keep learning after placement?

  Adoption is an ongoing journey. Children’s needs and questions evolve as they grow, so it’s critical to continue learning, seeking support, and adapting parenting strategies to nurture a healthy, supportive family environment.

• What are the main financial considerations in adoption?

  Prospective adoptive parents should plan for agency fees, legal expenses, travel (if applicable), and post-adoption support. Some employers offer adoption benefits, and adoption tax credits or grants can also help offset costs.

• What emotional challenges should prospective adoptive parents expect?

  Potential challenges include processing the grief of infertility, dealing with potential misunderstandings from friends and family, and preparing for your child’s questions about their biological heritage or birth family.

Embracing the Realities of Adoption

Adoption is a complex and rewarding journey, but it requires an honest understanding of its realities. By dispelling these myths, we can foster a more supportive and compassionate environment for adoptive families, birth parents, and adoptees alike. Adoption is not about creating a “perfect” family—it’s about building a life of love, connection, and resilience.

Through education, empathy, and openness, we can honor the beauty and challenges of adoption, empowering families to thrive and creating a more inclusive understanding of what it means to build a family.